From the ashes

“She promised she would be here”, I said, trying to remember if I misunderstood something.

“Be patient.”, Einstein replied, in his usual cold-blooded tone.

I was waiting in the Hall of the Gods, a massive golden temple with intricate white gold carvings. It was supported by two parallel lines of 13 pillars. In the middle of these columns, was the passage of light. A straight slab of marble, leading directly to the podium. An uniform set of 3 steps separated the pillars and the passage. I stood at the very front, right below the podium, waiting for Cassandra to arrive.

I focused on calming my spirit, telling the mathematician in me to quiet. As I closed my eyes, I heard her beautiful voice.

“I don’t have much time Francis”, she said, looking anxious.

“Where have you been Cass? I have been anxious”, I asked, edging closer to her, longing to touch her face, to hold her.

“She’s in me Francis. She’s coming out from my ashes. It’s her time of year”, she said, reminding me of our yearly struggle.

I moved closer to her, letting go of my troubles as I grasped for her touch. My hands trembled as I reached her exquisite face, little did I know that my one touch would take her away from me again.

In an instant, she seemed to burst into light, blinding me. As I recovered my senses, I saw the Phoenix in the sky enveloping my love. It was translucent somehow, and I could see her inside it, asleep. It flexed it’s wings, getting ready to take off.

“WAIT”, I screamed, desperate.

My desperation seemed to wake her up, as the Phoenix lost strength and wavered for a second. However, just like that it regained it’s strength, looked at me and let out the loudest screech I had ever heard. The last thing I remember is watching it fly away as I blacked out from the pain in my ears.

“See you at the zoo”, Einstein said, disappearing with my consciousness.

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Dead

“US Consulate. Are you done?”, I replied to her, eagerly waiting for an answer.

“Yep”, she said, as usual. I looked up, and scuttled to the window to feel the wind blowing against my face. My thoughts, well, I was just thinking about how wonderful it would be if a car hit my face off. Just as I opened my eyes, my phone pinged again.

“Bring muffins”, she said.

I hate being ignored. It makes me feel like there’s something gnawing at my bones, trying to eat me from within.

What would a mad scientist do if his life’s biggest experiment failed for no obvious reason?

Repeat it, till he understands what to do to fix the issue. So, I just spam them. I become this pathetic, excuse of a human being and I spam them. I hate being that way, I hate that I can’t establish control irrespective of how hard I try. But, every time I feel that way, I think about you Kathy.

“How was school?”, she asked, taking the muffins from me.

“Another day of dreaming of the different ways I could die. You know, I’m extremely creative for a math lover.”, I said, catching a muffin flying towards my face.

“You”, she said, chuckling, “You, siree, are impossibly dumb.”

I’m panicking now Kathy, and I miss being able to come to your house to let go. I miss being able to dance with you till some random song handed me my groove, and made me smile. But, most of all, I miss that same giggle that I heard every time I would let go and start dancing properly.

P.S
Somehow, if you every happen to read this, just know that I miss him too, and I know that just like me, you can’t grieve till you come give me a hug. So, join the 21st century, make a Facebook account and come back to your panda. I don’t know how I’ll make up for everything I did, but I do want you to know that I have someone who helps me do the impossible every day, so, I will figure something out.

 

 

Goodbye

Today was supposed to be one of the first milestones of our life together, brought together by a couple of cheap rings, that meant the world to me, and now I realize to you.  I don’t know who to blame; life, for ruining my day and giving me the opportunity to ruin things, or me, for taking that opportunity. I never thought that I would fall in love again, that I would be committed to someone without a shadow of doubt. I couldn’t believe that I could take the risk of allowing myself to be vulnerable to my own mistakes, to love somebody more than I hate myself. But, it did happen. I fell for you, and I fell hard. Your smile, the way your nose crinkles when you do, the way you move your hand to your mouth when you blush, I couldn’t help falling in love with you fattie.

I genuinely thought I had lost you today. I wept, feeling my heart break and I couldn’t help but fall back to old habits. I went to the bridge, hoping that I would jump. I came home, and sat on the parapet, hoping I would jump. But, I couldn’t. I didn’t understand why then, but I do now. Living depressed for the amount of time I have, I realize that it’s always going to be a part of me, but I think with your help I have finally crossed the brink. I’m no longer stuck between not being able to end my life, and not moving forward. I want to live with you for the rest of my life, but I also want to live for me. I don’t know how long it will take me to get the concept of suicide out of my mind, but I think I can finally promise not just to you, but to myself that I don’t think I am ever going to kill myself. It saddens me a little, but I think it’s time I officially retired the pit. I want to feel the sunlight on my face, to see the stars shining every night, and to sleep peacefully one day knowing that I’m going to keep waking up every single day till my body gives up.

Clarity is something which defines every aspect of me. I hate confusion, as much as I hate Game of Thrones ( sorry <3). But, one thing I can’t be clear about is my actions. One thing being depressed gave me is total control over my emotions, an unique ability to think and plot every move, every action. However, now, it’s a battle between me and them. I hope that I don’t lose you in the cross-fire, but I promise that come what may, I will never leave. I will always be there, waiting. I will always be there, loving you, because this time, I will not let go. If being with me entails going through hell, I promise that I will go through it with you.

In 5 days, I leave to a different continent, and I know that the distance is going to put a strain on us. But, I will count the days, looking forward to the day that I can wake up, turn around and look at you sleeping beside me.

Goodbye pit, I’m on a journey now, working towards making a new home.

I love you

I want to warn you, to scream of the pain that will come. I want to warn you of how it will slowly take over you, till it becomes you.

I want to warn you of the fire that comes with it, slowly burning your insides till there’s nothing left. It will leave you hollow inside out, finally making you content by taking everything away.

I want to warn you of the fall from the clouds we’re in. The thrill of feeling no gravity, masking the threat of the fall that shatters both your body and mind.

I want to scare you, to fill you with doubt and fear, while appeasing myself with the thought that a few cuts is better than the jugular.

I want to run, razing my path behind me, hoping that when you come looking, the nothingness would make you give up.

There’s all these things I want to do, but I can’t get myself to do them, because I want you more. I want to wake up every morning and see you smile. I want to go to bed every night, holding you, comforting you and shielding you from the world.

So, you know what, bring on fires, bring on storms; come what may, I will always want you more, because I love you.

 

The brink

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I opened my eyes to a stunning, cloudless sky. It looked like someone had suspended the sky during the sunset, set up a portrait and used the sky as their paint palette. It seemed to stretch out towards infinity, inhabiting a borderless clarity.
To my left, it was brighter, calmer and exquisite. To the farthest left, it was turquoise with exquisite black clouds, which looked like black flecks in the distance. As the sky got closer to me, it got darker, as if approaching equilibrium.
To my right, the sky seemed dark, stormy and enchanted. As I looked further, it got darker till it reached a mesmerizing jet black that pulled you toward it with mental gravity. If I didn’t know better, I swear it felt like the clouds to my right were speaking to me. I shook my head, trying to clear it.

I was extremely drowsy, and felt like I was carrying the weight of the sky on my head. I focused on my breathing, taking into account my immediate surroundings.I had been lying down in extremely soft grass, surrounded by a large circle of boulders. I figured I was on a hill, on its peak. I tried checking of key details, making sure I hadn’t completely lost my memory. I knew basic details, I remembered my life, but I couldn’t remember where I was or how I had reached this place. As I forced myself to get up, I realized that I didn’t feel any panic. For somebody stuck in an unknown environment, with absolutely no idea of how to get out, my lack of panic was suspicious. The fear started creeping in as soon as I realized that I was most likely dreaming. I decided to walk around; at least my nightmares were usually scenic.

I went to my left, climbing over the boulders. They were much wider and larger than they had looked at first. They resembled some type of a constructed barrier, trying to prevent me from going forward or rolling off, I imagine. As I finished crossing all the boulders, I looked down to an extremely steep cliff. I decided that I would require superhuman strength to climb safely down. My hill seemed to be floating in the sky, like the mountains in Pandora from Avatar. Far away from me, I saw many such mountains, each seemingly their own world.For some reason, it felt right to be pushed away from the brighter side.
Thus, I climbed back and went towards the darker sky. As I clambered over the boulders, I saw someone else sitting at the edge. He seemed to blend in with the sky, wearing a jet black suit. I could see smoke clouds rising from where his mouth would be. “Hey!”, I called out. He didn’t turn, just lifted his right hand to show a joint smoked halfway. I thought to myself, maybe this isn’t a nightmare. Maybe, I finally break my streak and get an awesome dream. As I reached him, I paused, the possibility of this being a drug-induced mental projection only just hitting me. “Ah, well. If I OD’d, might as well enjoy the sights”, I mumbled to myself, as I took a seat besides him. He passed the joint, and as I smoked, I looked down. This side of the mountain had no cliff, at least one I couldn’t see. It was a straight drop, making it thrilling to be sitting on its edge. The side seemed to perfectly integrate into the dark sky. As I took a hit of the joint, I started to feel running water near my feet.

“You’re already creating? Hm, nice.”, he said, as I realized that a waterfall had appeared on our side. I recognized the voice as soon as he spoke, and I felt like an idiot for not realizing who he was before.
“Where are we Einstein?”, I asked, knowing that he was the reason I didn’t have any answers. He had all of them. “Astral plane. Brink of your sanity. This is where I grew up, you know. Beautiful, isn’t it?”, he said, sighing.
“Brink of my sanity? What do you mean?”, I asked, starting to feel like my theory of this being drug-induced was probably right.
“You’re about to lose your mind, something happened. So, your brain decided to stall by creating a projection for you to be in till you can get rid of your confusion. See, you have a choice. You can choose to take the steep climb down the other side. It will be impossibly hard, but the odds aren’t as bad as you might think they are. Of course, the result is life-long happiness and all that yabadoo. I think so, at least”, he said, entering his element, as he explained what he knew.
“And, the other option is to jump into the other side, hope that it entails death and not insanity?”, I asked, staring to understand where I was.
“Yep, spot on.”

Now, I remembered. I was about to kill myself in the real world. I had just taken round one of pills, and was hesitating before I took round 2, finishing the candy flip. I was right, this was drug-induced, but it was also my mind’s way of trying to explain my own decision to me. Then, I realized, this is my mind. I don’t need to choose, I could find a way around.
“Well, no. I’m not doing either. I’m just going to stay here.”, I said, making up my mind. I had finished smoking the joint, and suddenly I was extremely tired.
“I’m going to bed”
“You really want to unleash me on them?”, he asked, surprising me with the sincerity in his query.
“I don’t care.”

As I got up, he got up with me. “I’ll see you around”, he said, before taking a swan dive into the darkness. He disappeared within seconds, taking my consciousness with him. I collapsed on the boulders, my last thought about how much my back was going to hurt when I woke up.

Want

“I want to fly, to close my eyes and feel the clouds brushing against my cheeks. I want to feel the bliss and be able to embrace it. I want to open my eyes, and smile; smile, for one smiles when one is content. I want to land on firm ground, walk in the sandy beaches and run into your arms. I want to look forward to each day, to be given the first high everyone chases in chemicals. I want to love you, I want to be with you and I want to hold you as my heart breaks seeing you sad.”, I said, looking at myself in the mirror, trying to imagine her reaction.

“It is unquestionably stupid to think that you want something that you only pursue for the buzz of self-denial. It also, unsurprisingly sounds like obsession and addiction.”, Einstein said, acting like a concerned and prideful father.

“If you won’t let me have any of that, why won’t you let me write?”, I asked cautiously, scared to disturb the balance. I could not afford to lose control right now.

 

“I think we both agree that it is significantly better to have your hopelessly hopeful wings clipped and chained in a deep, dark pit.”

 

“If I’m back here, if I’m all alone and can’t soar any more, why can’t I find my tears to keep me company?”

 

“Tears are for those who deserve to let go and plan to move forward. There have been enough pileups on this highway, I’ll be taking over now siree. You just get comfortable down there, it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride.”

 

 

 

The Journey

COUGHED UP THOUGHTS

Pennies from heaven dropped
Happiness engulfed him over the top
Over-accomplished parents, loving family
The six year boy had all reasons to run around happily.

The eight year boy arched his eyebrows
Roused from his bed piled with stuffed animals,
Quivering muscles and grinding teeth
His father’s rage once more unleashed.

Damp eyes and beads of sweat
Drinking water, his mother was out of breath
What he witnessed stopped him in his stride,
The ten year boy learnt his parent’s relationship had died.

Life had to be re-defined
The six year old was now left behind
Travelling by car was a far off dream
Eyes of innocence lost its sheen.

The ten year boy lost faith in goodness
“Even this shall pass away” said his mother in all fullness
Confused he nodded to avoid attention
Life was about to change, nobody mentioned.

He started picking up threads
Weaving a new…

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